Saturday, December 28, 2013

A&E appeases $400M market, hires Duck man back

Not what you say, but the way you say it...

You might want to drop by Wal-Mart and pick you up a personality...” - Phil Robertson

Monroe, La. - There's an old, sick joke about three drunken Louisiana duck hunters in a john boat with a rack of Dixie Beer. Just as one of them stands up to take a shot, a second hunter cuts loose with his gun, killing him instantly.

No need in letting a tragic happening spoil a day's hunt. Besides, there's plenty of beer left to go around. They cover up the dead guy with a tarp and shoot ducks until they run out of brew.

Then they take the dead guy home and knock on his door. His wife appears, and the drunk who pulled the trigger says, “Hello, ma'am, are you the Widow Boudreau?” She says, “Well, I'm Mrs. Jean Baptiste Boudreau, but I'm no widow.”

The hell you're not,” says the third man, who has up until that moment remained quiet.

CNN blared the news far and wide, letting the market of people who cling to their guns, their religion, and their beliefs in straight sex and racial segregation know that the patriarch of the “Duck Dynasty” reality show that appears on the cable network, Arts and Entertainment, has been reinstated to his former position following a week-long suspension over his remarks about queer politics and racial issues.

He told a Gentlemen's Quarterly writer that it's his opinion that homosexuality is a sin, and that in his life growing up in the Jim Crow atmosphere of this very Baptist, King Cotton community in north Louisiana, he never saw a black person mistreated prior to the “civil rights” era.

The people President Barack Obama spoke of, the ones who “cling to their guns,” their religion, and – whatever – rose up in furious anger. Whatever happened to the bearded one's right to freedom of expression?

Yeah. How about that?

CNN was quick to point out that the endorsements he and his clan generate for hunting, outdoors and recreational products represents the keen interest of a burgeoning $400 million per year market in – you guessed it – guns, ammo, duck blinds, hunting apparel, high capacity rifle and pistol magazines – and everything else it takes to do the Duck Dynasty thing up and down the bayous and creeks of the deep south, Appalachia, the Rockies, the Hill Country, and the high plains.

None of this will change land office gun sales at big box stores such as Wal-Mart and Cabela's. According to the "Writer's Guide to Firearms and Ammunition," 300 million firearms are in the hands of the American public. The guide quotes the National Shooting Sports Association in its estimate of the hunting, firearms and ammunition market at $4.1 billion per year, with a total economic impact of $27.8 billion on the national economy.

Said one balding, sharp-dressed CNN talking head wearing sharkskin and a pink shirt with an open collar: “There probably is room for a little cynicism in all this.”

The blonde sitting in as co-anchor gestured expansively with her perfectly manicured hands, saying, “He was talking aobut his interpretation of the Bible – of scripture, of his religion.”

Robertson is an elder in Our Berean Bible Church.

They chattered away about some similar dust-up involving Cracker Barrel, in which much merchandise was removed from shelves before a corporate reversal was reached.

Robertson told other CNN correspondents that he's “perfectly comfortable with what he said,” a dude with a vaguely east London accent intoned.

According to the A and E network, their corporate plan is to "use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in 'Duck Dynasty.' These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio."

According to other literature heaped upon the heads of the cyber-public, this year will go down in history as the annum in which gay got recognition as good - as in some 15 states recognizing same-sex marriage.

What the bride and groom wore? Stitched in union sweat shops – all over the Third World?

As John Lennon once wrote, “There's always something happening, and nothing going on.”

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