The Five Stages of An Evening of Tequila

Reprinted from the blog of a class clown

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything, and generously want to share this limitless knowledge with anyone who will listen. At this stage, you are always right, and the person you are talking to is always wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties have attained the SMART stage of intoxication.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize you are the undisputed BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar, if not the whole world, and everybody wants you. You can approach a total stranger, knowing that they want you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can easily engage this person in scintillating conversation on any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for everybody in the entire bar, because you apparently have an armoured truck full of money in the parking lot. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your wagers. It doesn’t matter how much you risk, because you are RICH.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone, and everyone, especially those with whom you have been arguing or betting. This is because nothing can harm you. At this point, you can also confront the partners of those members of the opposite sex who you’ve taken a fancy to. You can challenge them to a battle of wits, or offer to compare bank balances. You have no fear of losing these contests, because you are SMART, you are RICH, and what the Hell...you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of your tequila experience. If you have made it to this point, you can do anything you please, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance, buck-naked, on a table to impress the object of your affection, but nobody else in the room can see you. You’re also invisible to the person who would like to take a round out of you. You can walk through the streets, singing at the top of your lungs, because no one can see or hear you, and because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.