Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Scientists slate one-third of Earth's population for death

'Spaceship Earth' plans to jettison passengers

Reprinted from “The Onion”

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure out immediately how it wants to go about killing off more than 2 billion members of its species.

Representing multiple fields of study, including ecology, agriculture, biology, and economics, the researchers told reporters that facts are facts: Humanity has far exceeded its sustainable population size, so either one in three humans can choose how they want to die themselves, or there can be some sort of government-mandated liquidation program—but either way, people have to start dying.

And soon, the scientists confirmed.

"I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?" Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters said. "Do we want to give everyone a number and implement a death lottery system? Incinerate the nation's children? Kill off an entire race of people? Give everyone a shotgun and let them sort it out themselves?"

"Completely up to you," he added, explaining he and his colleagues were "open to whatever." "Unfortunately, we are well past the point of controlling overpopulation through education, birth control, and the empowerment of women. In fact, we should probably kill 300 million women right off the bat...”

(please click here to read the rest of the story - http://www.theonion.com/articles/scientists-look-onethird-of-the-human-race-has-to,27166/


  1. Since countries have already reached or are reaching "unsustainable population replacement birth rates", won't attrition take care of this so-called "problem"?

  2. T'is me first question. Pity they had to have their conference couched in the terms of a pronunciamento a la Washingtonio in the Dialectico of Columbianense a la high glaze. Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, etc... I'm not so sure I want the peacekeeping forces of the UN traipsing through any of the worlds, first, second, third or otherwise, in pursuit of a balanced and sustainable level of population. - The Legendary

  3. Satire, noun

    1. a. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

    1. b. The branch of literature constituting such works. See Synonyms at caricature.

    2. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.

    The Onion is an American news satire organization.

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  5. the conference was real, and these problems and solutions still work. prior to seeing this article is had similar thoughts of culling humans. I'll be the first to volunteer, if this plan was put into practise.

    Give me a bottle of whiskey, cigars and a ipod with my favourite selection of songs. and at the end of the playlist i'll off myself. i haven't contributed to society anyway, don't deserve life.