Thursday, September 23, 2010

What, Me Worry? Dig - Alfred E. Newman for Speaker!

Admittedly, this is not the Alfred E. Newman men and women of an age came to know and love during their formative years in the 50's and 60's.

OUR Alfred E. Newman was a creature who sprung fully formed from the brow of Mr. Ernest K. Gaines, late of Brooklyn, who kept a padlock on his refrigerator so no one could get to his stash of Blatz Beer, and publisher of “Mad” Magazine - “.25 Cents – Cheap!”

Much later, it was “.35 Cents – Kinda Cheap!”

Much, much later, long after I should have known better, it was “.50 Cents – Outrageous!”

That publication was known for its utter trashiness and all the dangerous ideas it foisted off on the youth of America. In fact, “Mad” Magazine was once one of the titles investigated by a Congressional Subcommittee battling the smut and filth that was slowly taking over the minds of an entire nation's youth.

Somehow, we pulled through.

But I digress.

OUR Alfred E. Newman usually had his forefinger inserted in a nostril of his wide and spatulate nose – at the least, to the second knuckle – to the extent that it looked as if he had penetrated his skull to mid-brain in an effort to pick and be rid of – well - you know what!

You see, as we all learned, it's not whether you pick your nose; it's what you do with the boogers that counts, something Mr. Gaines and his mascot Alfred E. Newman were always quick to point out.

But I was paging through Facebook when suddenly I saw Mr. Bill Flores' face peering out at me. As a candidate for Congress opposing Chet Edwards, (D-TX, Dist. 17), I am just totally positive that Mr. Flores has nothing to do with Mr. Newman.

It was this other novel and unique announcement that drew my attention.

Now, I don't know if Mr. Flores has anything to do with this, or not, but I intend to inquire bright and early to see if his staff knows if he is backing this novel idea.

Check it out!

“The Speaker Education Project is a nonprofit effort dedicated to educating the public about the office of Speaker of the House of Representatives, and highlighting the fact that non-Congressmen are eligible to serve in the chamber's top position - (second only in line to succession to the Presidency after the Vice President, of course.)

“The Speaker Education Project is a project of Americans for Limited Government. Americans for Limited Government ( is a 501c(4) and neither endorses nor opposes candidates for public office.


It's true that Section 1, clause 5 of the U.S. Constitution proclaims that the members of the House of Representatives will choose a Speaker of the House.

It's equally true that this venerable language makes no specific mention of whether that personality must be a member of the House of Representatives – or not. Nor does it mention that of the 60 Speakers the members of the United States House of Representatives have chosen, all of them have been not only members of that chamber, but members of the majority party.

Let's live a little. Bend the rules, just this once.

Can you imagine?

I just think there is no finer candidate for the position than our Mr. Alfred E. Newman – that is, if he doesn't have to be elected to Congress. I'm not sure if the members would – ah – cotton to his ethnic roots and all such as that, if you take my meaning.

At least, I'm pretty sure that some folks from upstate N'Yahk and from Joisy would object right off the bat, knowing those boys for what they are – lovely people, one and all, I assure you.

I'm just asking, dear hearts, that you keep an open mind on the subject and think about giving one of my childhood heroes the nod.

In fact, I've decided not to bother Mr. Flores about all this. He's a busy man. We'll just keep it among ourselves – for now.

But who knows? It could become a groundswell, an irresistible and compelling DESIRE of We The People...

Stop me before I hurt myself.

- The Legendary

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